Dear Dr. Eugene,
I am a divorced man and my daughter gets angry when I go on dates. What should I do.
Lonely But Careful
Dear Lonely But Careful,
You will have to either get rid of your daughter or stop going on dates. This is one of the hardest choices a parent has to make. I have faith that you will do something.
Eugene
Dear Dr. Eugene,
I have trouble disciplining my son when he is acting up. I have tried time outs and spanking, but nothing seems to work.
Lady Lilith
Dear LL,
Best thing for a roudy kid is to truly frighten him. The risk is that he will get messed up in the head, but that probably won’t show itself until he is after eighteen and not your responsibility.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
Should I keep on longing for a woman who doesn’t give a dam about me or open myself up to the world of possibilities surrounding me and say yes more often instead of no I’m sorry I can’t?
Yours wondering,
Phil
Dear Phil,
These are two different questions: should you give up on someone you love and then also should you go out with other people. Before you give up, try one of those eye-contact love potions (obviously make sure when she wakes up she doesn’t look at your best friend or Rumsfeld — he’s a big P-Hound and won’t rest till he’s tagged everyone under 30). You need to move on, but if in a year this girl wants to make out, you should maybe do it. As for all the other ladies, go out with them. What’s the worst thing that will happen? You have a baby with someone you find mildly annoying?
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
This guy I was dating for 2 months broke up with me. He’s ugly. Almost 2 weeks later I’m still sad about it. It’s putting me in a funk. What can I tell myself to get over him already?
Elaine
Dear Elaine,
You can tell yourself you’re the best person in the world and that ugly boy doesn’t deserve you. But that’s a lie. It’s not about telling yourself something — it’s about becoming something you’re proud of. You need to boost your confidence. How about Karate? I know few people that can punch through a wall and still feel bad about themselves (with the obvious exclusion of Batman, who has issues — but in my defense he’s made up and I don’t know him.) Also, two weeks isn’t very much time at all, it often takes much more to get over someone. Unless you are one month old, then two weeks can seem like half a lifetime. Otherwise, nothing is better than karate and time.
Eugene
Dear Eugene
What should I do to get guys who aren’t creepy?
Love,
Caroline
Dear Caroline,
Well, definitely don’t put a picture of you holding your breasts on MySpace with a caption that says “I double dare you! Come and get ‘em!” How creepy are we talking? Dirty street-man-penis-out creepy? Or boring-talk-about-themselves/ nudity/spaceships creepy? Maybe go to more readings or art parties. Start a book club that consists of you and people you want to make out with (invite a few married friends to throw off suspicion). And if someone who you don’t like is bothering you, a tiny bit of drool and crying will spook them.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I have two friends who are extremely popular with women and, at the same time, extremely miserable because they’re incapable of making a commitment. I’ve told them that marriage isn’t for everyone, and that they should proudly assume their permanent bachelorhood. They aren’t convinced. Do you have any other suggestions?
Thanks,
Quimba
Dear Quimba
Most people don’t want to be bachelors forever — they want a real connection. Sometimes, they want it with lots of different girls, but sometimes they want it with one special woman, and then have that special woman invite old college friends for an open-ended cuddle party. Either way — everybody wants love — that’s why there are so many romantic comedies. A fear of commitment is simply a fear of being with the wrong person for the rest of your life. That’s all. And who wants that? 40% of people who got married before 1962. Nowadays you can get a divorce. Tell your friends to go out with someone for about six months. If it feels wrong, they should fly to Florida, put their penis through a hole in a wall and when someone puts their mouth on it, they’ll have basically broken up. A fear of commitment is also a fear of breakups. The reason people cheat is often to end a relationship — to have blatantly done something wrong — but the problem is, then you may have to talk to the person you cheated with — that’s why I suggest to fuck a stranger through a wall. No mess.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
Wise benevolent ruler of knowledge, grant thine wish for clarity. Doth though knowest ifeth speaking in the fabled talk of yore is sexually attractive to thy women of the world?
-Squantifore Dunesberry
Dear Sqauntifore Dunesberry,
My guess is that ladies will find it very annoying. I know I could barely finish reading your question. In fact, I didn’t. I have to go back to see if you asked if ladies would like you to talk like that. If that is what you asked, then no. If you asked how to return to your century, sorry — I’ll help you fly around the sun at light speed and go back to when asshole Europeans argued about who is fanciest. I just looked. I was right. Don’t talk like that. The one exception is if you go to a renaissance fair and want to have sex with a young actress who doesn’t know she can break character.
Eugene
Dear Eugene
Lots of women I’m attracted to seem to like Sting. One gorgeous Russian girl had even read his biography. This is obviously quite difficult. Can you offer some advice?
Thank you.
Toby
Dear Toby,
There is nothing wrong with liking Sting. However, there is something wrong with liking girls who like Sting. That’s the sad irony. It’s what philosophers consider a “meta-dilemma.” (That’s not true. But dammit, it sounds smart!) If this was feudal Japan, and you were a Samurai, I would suggest you commit Seppuku (honorable suicide.) And you know what? I’m going to make an exception and suggest it anyway. Good luck.
Eugene
P.S. You can always buy a wife and pay her to not listen to Sting — and one benefit — if she kills you, there will be a Law and Order episode about it. Not bad?
Dear Eugene,
I have been home from college for a month on vacation and my family is driving me nuts! Plus I am in love, and don’t know what to do. Help with either/both would be nice.
Maggie MacFarland
Dear Maggie,
Sorry your family is driving you nuts. How about you become rich and move out? Great. Done. As for the love question, I guess I would need to know more. Who are you in love with? Are you in love with a wolf? (Don’t believe childhood stories — real wolves are actually very bad at raising humans, plus a lot of wolves are terrible in bed.) If this is someone at your college, how about you flirt with them or ask them out? If it’s someone who you’re friends with and don’t want to ruin things, too late. Try to have sex with them. If they don’t love you back, sorry. Make sure you let them know you love them — never give up an opportunity to make someone either forever happy or very uncomfortable.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
My girlfriend hangs out with this other guy (her ex-casual sex partner) all the time. She goes out to dinner with him all the time. In fact, the night before we both went home from college for winter break she went to dinner with him instead of me. He just spent 5 days at her house in California. She is from LA. Is she cheating on me?Thanks,
Drew
Dear Drew,
Your relationship with her is probably over. Whether she cheated on you or not, she wanted to. Don’t focus on revenge. Just move on. Still, it makes you wonder? Do you think they had oral sex? I bet they did! Keep that in mind when you go to sleep. That stings, huh? Do you know what I did? I just taught you a lesson about not depending on other people. Now that you know no one can be trusted, you will become a cold fuck machine. Go. Fuck away. Then discover yourself anew. You’ll be the best boyfriend once you go through this cycle of rebirth. And don’t fuck anything that can’t run away (newspapers, milk crates, bananas, etc.)
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
My ex, whom I was with for almost 3 years, abused me in everyway…mostly mentally. He’s cut down my self-esteem and told me what a slut I am and how no one would ever want a stupid woman like myself. After realizing I couldn’t instill the emotion of love into someone so cold that doesn’t even know what love is, I finally broke up with him almost 2 months ago, but I don’t feel like the same sexy charismatic fun woman I used to be…not only that, I have a problem with guys hitting on me or asking me for my number- I’m so fucking bitter! I have tons of great male friends and don’t mean to take out my bitchiness on them. How do get out of this slump?
Sara
Dear Sara,
You sound pretty and as you know, our society values that, so you’re all set with boobs and stuff. Now it’s time for the hard part — you need to make your heart and mind pretty. How? Go to grad school and get a P.H. D. in philosophy. Do you have any idea how good you’ll feel once you have a doctorate? And next time some guy is like, “You’re a slut. No one will love you.” You can say, “First of all, it’s an outdated construct that woman are sluts, while guys are studs — nobody cares anymore. Plus your dick doesn’t exist. Bam!” Have fun and don’t trust Hegel — he’s mischievous — or complicated, either way it’s bullshit.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
A few weekends ago, I went to a party, got really drunk, made out with this random guy, and ended up fucking him. It was only later that I realized that he lives in the same dorm as me, and is kind of an asshole. Apparently at the beginning of the night he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes, I don’t think he’s lying because I do vaguely remember this. I am kind of avoiding him right now, but I think all his friends think I am a bitch. Am I obligated to talk to him, or can I just forget about it?
Thanks a bunch,
EM
Dear EM,
Don’t talk to him again. Who cares. Promising you’ll be his girlfriend when you’re drunk isn’t marriage, which is no longer binding anyway — if you believe the French and Hollywood. Also (and I say this to impress the Senate) don’t forget about abstinence — and I don’t mean not having sex — I mean dress up or role-play — if you’re in a maid outfit (and a convincing actress), it’s not really you having sex, but someone who is either 1) very naughty or 2) misunderstands her job and doesn’t want to say anything.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
Anyway, I have a two-part question for you.1) How is it that every time the glory hole is introduced all the ladies out there head for the door?
2) Is it true that the only way to fall in love is to love yourself (be specific and cite references)?
Love,
Matthew
Dear Matthew,
To answer your first question: many women find performing oral sex through a wall unpleasant. This is actually something Freud writes about in his book, “Why Women Won’t Blow Guys Through Walls: A Study Of Super-Pussy Hysteria. As you know, I made this up. Sorry.
To answer your second question: yes, you need to love yourself before someone will love you back (excluding someone who is abusive — so that’s an option). Some examples include: Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby. However, you probably also have to stop talking about glory holes.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I have never had any talent at making moves on girls, but previously I was content because I had a large group of hot female friends who fancied me, and sometimes things would happen between us, and it was all very sexy without the bother of actually going out with any of them. However, now I have moved far, far away, and can no longer see any of these girls on a frequent basis. I am therefore left dry – for I have no skill at attracting girls, and none of the girls I know here show any signs of being attracted to me. How can I make moves on girls?
Desolate
Dear Desolate,
Well, can you become a knight? Girls love knights. For instance Sir Mick Jagger probably gets a lot of action (FYI — I just used “slang”) even at his age. Otherwise, you should probably take the Internet up on its constant offer to triple your penis. What woman wouldn’t want to date a man with a 95 foot penis that came buckets of whatevs? However, though buying pills for your penis is safe online — refinancing your home is risky.
The good news is that you can probably get your magic back. Whatever the reason that hot girls wanted to do it previously is probably still inside you — you must unlock it. You probably had a sexy confidence that faded from a condition called Dick Ignore. And for that I recommend listening to one hour of easy listening a day for one day. You’ll feel better.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I am a college freshman who is doing work-study in the library, and I am really into one of the librarians. He’s technically my boss and is probably around 35 years old. He doesn’t have a wife or anything, so I was wondering if I should make a move. Guys like younger women, right? Why else would he be working at a college? The only thing bad about the situation is that I could get expelled if we’re caught. So Eugene, should I go for it or just buy myself a vibrator?Longing a Librarian
Dear Longing A Librarian,
First of all, most people work at a college because they are interested in higher education, while only a few (often campus security, writing professors/ department chairs, and dean’s of admission) want to do it with what old people called “coeds.” If you are not crazy (meaning that when things fall apart, you won’t go apeshit) feel free to hit on him. If you are unstable, then don’t. Don’t get him in trouble just to do it with him a few times (you probably wouldn’t be expelled, but he would be fired). Also, don’t limit yourself — you can buy a vibrator and have him fuck you with it!
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I am in an frustrating situation. I am a 16 year old kid in highschool and I liked these 2 girls who liked me and i had a choice but i stupidly sat down to think. I thought to long and a good friend of mine told me he liked one of them. I was cool with that becuase i’m a good friend. And than the other girl betrayed me and did some fucked up shit at a party. Now my friend is going out with this other girl and i know the girl he is going out with likes me becuase she told me 2 days before he asked her out, and now everything suckssss.
From Al (AKA Big ‘n’ Tasty)
Dear Al,
You do sound like a good friend. So I have some good news for you — there are many other girls and you can date them — you don’t have to pick between slutty-crazy-pants and your friend’s girlfriend. Secondly, I was going through your letter and fixing all your grammatical mistakes, until I realized there were so many, it would be better to leave them and make fun of you. So, definitely stay in school, because if you end up writing this girl you like a love letter, you won’t want to write, “I want two bee inside you,” for obvious reasons. The girl dating your friend is a lot like you — she liked two boys and went out with one — except she didn’t mess up like you. Or did she? Because you’re all 16, their relationship will most likely be over in three months. Wait a week or two and then ask her out — but start hanging out with her sooner (and whatever you do when you’re sitting around talking about how people don’t get you and stuff — don’t punch her boobs!)
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
My girlfriend slaps me every time that I ask her a question. Am I insane?
Jack
Dear Jack,
Are you asking her things like, “Did you win the imaginary fat contest you’re having with the world?” Or does she simply have intimacy issues? Some women don’t want you to know anything about them. There are three types of these: ladies in the CIA, hookers, and political refugees. In general, abuse in a relationship is bad, the only times it isn’t, is if someone is truly worthless and needs to be reminded a lot or if it gives you both orgasms. Otherwise, you have to break up.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
What should I name my band? We are an acoustic singer-songwriter trio. None of us play the noseflute.
Thanks,
Nameless in Nebraska
Dear Nameless in Nebraska,
It’s too bad “Journey” is taken, because that is a cool fucking name. And it double-sucks that Minnie Driver performs under her own name — that would have been a great name for your band.
Essentially, there are three kinds of names for a band: a “The” based name (“The Strokes,” “The Soft Boys,” “The Clash”), a phrase (“Clap Your Hands…,” Death From Above…”), or a choice word or two (“Def Leopard,” “Arctic Monkeys,” “Weezer”).
How do you pick? Three rules:
1)What kind of music do you play?
2)Do you want to fuck a lot of people?
3)See rule one! (That would have worked better if rule one was tougher sounding. Oh well.)
Your band is probably a cross between Lyle Lovett and M. Ward (maybe not, but if you are you’d make a lot of money.) So, you want to call yourselves one of the following things: “Three’s Company,” “Lips, Tits, and Wind,” “Donahue!,” or “The Guy Whose Face Ate Sex.”
Dear Eugene,
I have a friend, who’s in a band. Not me, but a friend. Not me. A friend of mine. So, she’s in this band, but the problem is that they don’t seem to pay much mind to her presence. It’s like all she ever does during rehearsals is hold the microphone, and they never let her sing during the gigs, though she doesn’t have a bad voice. She even comes up with the lyrics, but it’s coz nobody else seems to care, so as you see, she does mind about being in the band, but the others won’t even tell her when they have rehearsal. I told her she should get another band, but it’s difficult. Is there a way to deal with these people or should she try to get in another band?
Thanks,
Girl who is not in a Band
Dear Girl Who Is Not In A Band,
Normally I can tell what race someone is from their problem, but in this instance I can’t. Just kidding. You’re white. Probably Canadian. Also, never try to fool me. You’re the fucking girl in the band.
Here’s what you do — don’t leave the band — break the band up and then reform it with no one but you. Let’s say your band is called “Ice Mind?” Right. Reformed? “Ice Mind Jr.” Perfect. Done. Second, I need you to dress slutty (think Halloween, but not a slutty cat or witch, more weird, like a slutty hobo or monkey.) Do you have a video camera? Make a music video with you stripping (no nudity) to one of your songs (pick the poppiest one, unless you’re in a jam band, then obviously pick the jammiest one), in the middle of it, make it like a super villain is interrupting your video and demanding money from the world. Cut back to you crying and singing a different song. Upload that shit to youtube.com or e-mail it to Island Records. Tell them Mirman sent you. When they say, “Who is that?” Direct them to my website. When they are confused, go, “Nevermind. I’m going with Merge.” Either way, get ready for money. (Make sure you get at least $2 a record or 30% after recouping.) Go for it!
Eugene
P.S. Stop blaming everyone for your problems. I’m kidding. Your band members are jerks. You should make them all want to date you and then leave the country. “The best revenge uses a vagina.” (That’s something that Mark Twain would have said if he had a drinking problem and grew up in the early 80’s.)
Hey Eugene,
I need some advice. My friend lets call her “Andy” really likes this guy ,lets call him “Bob”. “Bob” doesnt like “Andy”. One of “Andy’s friends went and asked “Bob” if he liked “Andy”. “Bob” said no I like her friend (me) . Then he asked me out & I said maybe.By tyhe way I really like “Bob” I still haven’t given “Bob” an answer. Eugene what do I do?!
Sincerely,
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Dear Stuck between a rock and a hard place,
It seems like many girls think this is bad. They see it as a betrayal of sorts. I don’t. I think you should go out with “Bob.” Just because Andy likes someone doesn’t give her ownership of the person, which is the same reason why I have no control over the sexy actions of Condeliza Rice. What if “Bob” turns out to have the best ideas and have the hardest, longest, widest, heaviest, most-unliftable, and potentially photosynthetic monster of a pee-pee you’ve ever seen (or held?!?!) And what if you are perfect for each other? What if he likes the same kind of food, or better yet, has the same disdain for organized religion, but affection for an inner-spirituality that you do? Don’t let this Andy ruin that for you. It would be sad to not try. However, most likely, you would just make out a bunch and then nothing would really happen with “Bob” and if this “Andy” is a wuss, it could permanently ruin your friendship. So, weight his fictitiously solar-powered dong and your happiness with how strong “Andy” is. (All of this advice is based on the idea that you are not competitive with your female friends, and really like “Bob.” If this is not the case, stop competing before you burn through all your friends every few years.)
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I am 16 and there is a girl in my classroom that seemed to like me.
She came close to me, she asked my phone number, she even sat on my knees without asking her. I din’t try to do anything cause I ‘m rather shy.
When I told her I was crashed on her for quite a few months, she told me that she didn’t expect to hear such a thing and that see considered me a real friend and not a boyfriend. ”Love is a very serious thing”’ ect…
Is there any chance to love me but she might want to get known better or was she just playing arounnd with me?
KELLOGGCUP
Dear KELLOGGCUP,
First of all, I think you are foreign. So congratulations on that. I don’t think she was playing you, she may have been innocently flirting, unless she is a manipulative menase.
Dear Eugene,
I have been a struggling musician in Seattle for five years. I feel my problem is that I’ve been with the same girl for eight years, have been domesticated, and have to devote quite a bit of time to her. And low and behold, a few months ago she actually fessed up that she married a helium Abdul-Jabar and spent cupcake batter on a chalk outline of myself. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT !!!
Please help…….
Troy in Seattle
Dear Troy,
To the first part: yes, relationships can take a lot of time and effort. Simply the amount of time it takes to convince people to let you fuck them the way that feels awesomest can be time consuming, not to mention all the other stuff: talking about the government, bar-b-q-ing, soccer games, thrift store shopping, telling people that they are pretty/ not stupid, etc. It’s work. Real work. Just like a career. And if being in a relationship means giving up touring or some aspect of what you think you need to do to “make it” (that’s slang for succeed), then you have to decide if it’s worth it. Some things to consider: are you good? If you are not a good musician, or somehow not that special, I would quit and never mention it to people. However, what if you are amazing or even really attractive? Then you should totally keep it up. How about this, you record a fantastic EP, get it on college radio in Seattle and become a local hero. Put on interesting shows, don’t be a boring shitty act. Be a kick-ass powerhouse of folk-rock-psychadelic-post-punk-guitar/noise-voter-registration-sex-Soel-astro-mood-garlic-herb-mayo -Bengali-fusion. (Some examples are Blur or the films of Robert Zemeckis). If you do blame her for your struggle (unlikely it’s really her fault) then you can always break up for a year or two. Be careful though, she will dislike you and never let you in her mouth again.
Oh, and the second part (low and behold…), I have no idea what you are talking about. Good luck, chief.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
There’s this weird ugly girl at my college who likes me and tries to talk to me. I don’t want anything to do with her. How do I get her to stop talking to me? Being her friend isn’t an option because she bothers me and makes me shudder. I’ve tried to drop some mean hints but she’s not so bright. Solutions that involve doing drunk stuff that I wouldn’t do sober are preferred or not.
-Alex (different from the Alex with the similar question)
Dear Alex,
Sounds like you have quite a dilemma. You don’t really know what to say to get her to spot talking to you, but you don’t want to be too mean. You should just not make sense when you talk to her. Example:
Her: Hi.
Alex: Tastes like fire.
Her: What?
Alex: Feet all soapy.
Her: Can I see your dick for a second?
Alex: Sorry, I’m not sure where I am, but maybe we can go sometime.
Her: Go where?
Alex: Bye.
Dear Eugene,
My sister just recently moved into a new home. As I was helping her unpack one day – there was a knock on her door. I opened the door and there stood a set of very happy and pretty blonde twins, a silent guy that looked a little mistreated, and a little person (dwarf). They were all wearing neon green t-shirts and told me they were from various local church’s. The little person asked me if I had any prayer requests. I looked down stunned - I felt akward because it was obvious that I was looking down at him – my eyes shifted up and then down several times. I told him I didn’t want to pray and he asked me if I knew Jesus. Again…when talking to him I had NO IDEA where to look! The entire exchange was awkward and uncomfortable. The pressure was simply too much and I told him that I did know Jesus. They left me some reading material. They seemed like nice people. Do you think I offended the little man?
IfeelrudeinTexas
Dear IfeelrudeinTexas,
No. You did not offend him, unless he does not know he is little. It would have been really weird to not make eye contact and stare straight ahead. Unless you were like, “God wills that I do not look down!” And then he would have been like, “Okay. That’s cool.”
Eugene
Dear Eugene
There is this lady that lives with us am a 15 year old boy that wants to have sex with the lady. she is older than me. i dont know if she wanna have sex or wanna have sex with me. please tell me some tips how to get her to have sex with me and tips on how i will know if she want sex.please reply asap
Dear 15 year old boy,
I don’t know. Depending on where you live and how old she is, she may be committing a crime by having sex with you. Wait until you’re 16 and then ask. Then you can say things like, “16 is such a great year, want to see a picture of some of the stuff the state government thinks I can do now?” She’ll either smile and walk away or stare into your eyes and give you a thumbs up and yell, “Let’s put on a reality show for our eyes and mouths called Young House Mate II.”
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I work in the entertainment industry for a design firm that does posters and trailers and junk. I have a lot of pressure on me to sell and bring in work from the big studios.
How can I 1) get the attention of studio executives without kissing ass and 2) Undermine my boss, since he gets all the credit for my work?
Jack
Dear Jack:
You have an age old problem. How do you get the people who are above your boss to understand that it’s your work that is so valuable?
Frame him for a crime. A fashion crime is easiest, but a real crime is more effective. Speak up in meetings and don’t be shy about claiming responsibility for your work. Start more sentences with, “I thought of…” and end with “I am fun at parties.”
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
What is the meaning of life?
Chris
Dear Chris,
Some would say to be a hero to yourself. I think it is mastering the art of the “touch.” Both the deadly touch and the tingly touch. Now go start a religion with this info.
Dear Eugene,
My wife will not let me get her another Women to play with in bed what shall I do?
Elk
Dear Elk,
You can’t “get” a woman. That is not how it works, asshole. A woman is made from stuff around house.
Dear Eugene,
How old do you have to be to bake a decent pie?
Thanks,
Pete
Dear Pete,
Fourteen. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
should I leave my girlfriend
and go back to my husband
and four children
Zenbaby
Dear Zenbaby,
It depends. Do you have love in your heart? You should go back to at least two of the kids. The middle ones. The other two will be fine. The middle kids blame themselves for your separation. Children, in fact, often blame themselves whenever anything goes wrong. I know a kid who thinks the Middle East crisis is his fault. (It’s not).
Your dilemma basically pits some of America’s favorite issues together: lesbianism, motherhood, and marriage. In a way, you are lucky, because what you choose to do will be a blueprint for our government’s official policy. Please let me know how it turns out!
Dear Eugene,
Why is the sky blue?
Sivart
Dear Sivart,
Because during the day molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light. When we look towards the sun at sunset we see red colours because the blue light has been scattered out and away from the line of sight.>
Dear Eugene,
Why is the Devil blue?
Sivart
Dear Sivart,
Same reason. Molecules in the air scatter the blue light from the Devil. However, most modern depictions of the Devil are at sunset, which is why he appears red in novels (Master and Margarita), films (Little Nicky), and songs (Devil Went Down To Georgia). You may recall the line: “Devil went down to Georgia/ He was looking for a soul to steal/ He was red.”
Dear Eugene,
If capitalism isn’t working, what is?
Pelvey.
Dear Pelvey,
Probably some form of socialist capitalism, where people’s hard earned money isn’t being snatched away by a tyrannical government, yet everyone has health care and shelter and snacks and a place to make out. I call this new system: sociocapaweeeeee! It is a fun government that has three basic rules:
1) No hitting.
2) Kids eat free.
3) Poor people aren’t allowed to swim.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I wuz once an ‘igh powered Hegzekutiff but I iz now a cabbie
Can you ‘elp ?
Love
Sean
Dear Sean,
No. I am not sure what the problem is. I think you have a typing accent and it is confusing. Good luck speaking and writing, I guess.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
The old man living next door keeps inviting me to come enjoy skinny-dipping in his apple pies? Should I go and if so should I roll myself in cinnamon before I do?
Thanks,
Filsdubu, Montreal-Quebec
Dear Filsdubu,
No. It sounds creepy. Also, cinnamon won’t protect you, so don’t bother.
Eugene
Hi Eugene.
On my first day at school, I sat down on the playground floor in my grey school shorts onto a wasp which stung the back of my thigh. It made me cry. This attracted lots of attention. I looked up and there were thousands of girls laughing and pointing at me.
Tell me if you think this has anything to do with the fact I now find it difficult to maintain a relationship with a girl.
Thanks.
John
Dear John,
No. I don’t think it does. You sound slightly overweight. That’s probably the reason. Good luck with everything.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I was dating this guy who I really like but recently I have started to like his brother! what should I do? I don’t want to make a mistake and ruin a good thing! please help!
Lost and confused
Dear lost and confused,
If you don’t want to mess up a good thing, then don’t go out with his brother. However, if you change your mind and decide that you want to ruin your life, then have I got some suggestions for you!
You should tell the brother that you have a crush on him, but don’t use the traditional, “I have a crush on you,” method. Instead say something sexy and mysterious like, “This summer was so hot,” or “Can you recommend a good doctor?” Make sure you wink while you say this stuff, otherwise, he won’t get the hint!
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
Is mathematics created, or discovered?
Iris
Dear Iris,
I bet a lot of people debate that issue. I suggest going to a pub and forgetting about it. It’s your chance to unwind and maybe fall in love.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
This question has been really bothering me: Why is the word “abbreviation” such a big word? I don’t understand : (
Pimento
Dear Pimento,
I’m not sure. Probably because the word “cat” already meant something else. Also, probably something to do with the word brevity and roots and Latin.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I want to try horseback trail riding for one day in the summer and my friends don’t think that’s cool. Would you go just to say you’ve tried it or would you give in to the peer pressure.
Paul
Dear Paul,
You should go horseback riding if you want to. I’m not sure why you’d go just to say you’ve tried it. Sounds like your friends wouldn’t want to hear about it. Don’t give into peer pressure, though. I will admit that part of me doesn’t understand why your friends care at all if you go horseback riding, unless there is something incredibly uncool you do while on the horse, like spray paint it or wear golf pants.
Eugene
Dear EUGENE,
You’re flying down a river in a car… how many bananas does it take to fill a manhole???
YIKA
Dear YIKA,
Good question. First of all, I bet you went to Stanford or Yale, because this type of question rarely occurs to people who went to state schools. I have to say, I think the first part isn’t that relevant. I could give you a numerical answer, like 10 or 1000, but I think you’d be much happier if I said, “Monkeys in bowties,” or “Sailors with apple fart hearts.”
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
There is this girl at school who is extremely fat and ugly and a year younger than me. I have told her many times that I don’t like her but she won’t leave me alone…what should I do? I wish she would go to hell. Please help me.
Alex
Dear Alex,
That’s a pretty mean thing to say. Try being her friend. Then betray her! She’ll never bother you again.
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
I like monkeys. Oh and cheese. But not in that order. Do you like monkeys and/or cheese?
Max
Dear Max,
Fuck you. Just kidding. I ate something and can’t breathe and got mad. Sorry. I thought you was a boy, but my friend say’s you look like a girl in your photo? Also how old are you?
Eugene
Dear Eugene,
Why am I always doing things I shouldn’t?
Dear Who Ever,
Because you are attracted to danger. You think it’s sexy, unless you are a child, then you just want instant gratification. Look where instant gratification brought Chairman Moa. He was at the height of his career and then he recorded that remake of Girls Just Want To Have Fun.
Eugene